Forgiving the Forgotten
by NevermindDaria
Summary: Buffy goes to Xander to dredge up a moldy piece of business that must be dealt with before she can even hope to move on with Spike. one-shot post-Grave.


Title: Forgiving the Forgotten  
Author: NevermindDaria  
Disclaimer: The following intellectual property has been, in part, previously claimed by its various owners. All other intellectual property is my own.   
Rating: PG13 for some course language and grisly references.   
Summary: Buffy goes to Xander to dredge up a moldy piece of business that must be dealt with before she can even hope to move on with Spike.   
Setting/Spoilers: Set in the summer after "Grave."   
  
Note: Those unfamiliar with the events of season 1, especially 1.06: "The Pack," will perhaps be a tad confused. This may make more sense if you watch the episode, which is conveniently on FX on Wednesday, October 2.   
  
***  
  
Very Important Note:   
  
This should not be read by Xander fans. You're not going to like it. If you read it anyway, and you get upset, don't fill up my reviews with flames just because you don't like my perspective. That's why I don't read B/A and B/X fics. Several people have already given me very unkind reviews, and it really upset me. It serves no purpose. If you find fault with my writing style, or if my fic is laden with bad grammar and spelling, please, by all means, flame me. Politely. That's helpful to me as a writer. But don't disparage my point of view.   
  
***  
  
Xander opened the door to his apartment, finding a new woman on the other side. Buffy walked inside with purpose in her step and cold resolution on her face. He thought he saw a flicker of the old Buffy spark buried underneath, but it was gone in a moment. Perhaps it was easier for her to talk about this while pretending she didn't have emotions.   
  
"We need to talk. This is serious, and I'm only gonna speak about this once. So listen up."   
  
So it had begun. Xander sunk down into his couch, heart sinking by the second at the cold detachment in her voice, knowing that she was going to say she never wanted to see Willow again when she came back from England. Buffy remained standing, and continued to speak with the sterility of one who's had her heart broken too many times, in too many horrible ways.   
  
"I spent most of today reading the story of the past six years of my life unfold in my diary. I've thought things through, and I've come to a decision. I love you, Xander. You're my brother. You're also an ass. Have been for years, but you really reared your ugly head when I came back last fall."   
  
The ass in question merely sat with a stupid expression on his face. Like he didn't know what he'd done to her.   
  
"You had a problem with Angel, and that hurt me. But you really had a problem with Spike, and that nearly killed me. And it stops now. I can't explain to you how vile you made me feel when you first found out I'd been sleeping with Spike. But you made me feel even worse when you found me a week later sitting on my bathroom floor. Yes, Spike tried to rape me. He didn't, but only because I stopped him by force. And it didn't even take me ten minutes to forgive him. Now before you start telling me how wrong I am to forgive the soulless monster, think about this: Spike isn't the only person I've forgiven for attempted rape."   
  
As it finally sunk in that Buffy wasn't here to talk about Willow, the boy searched his mind for what he might have done to so offend this woman, his friend of so many years. Buffy's voice was low, sweet, menacing when she reminded him.   
  
"Do you remember, Xander? Sophomore year, hyena possession, an ugly attack in the teachers' lounge?" Recognition hit him like an 800 pound monkey, and Buffy laid into him with a voice more akin to a bark. "You tried to rape me too, and I forgave you. Two men have tried to force themselves on me, and I still love them both. Yes, you heard me right. I love Spike. I love him in a different way than I love you, in a different way than I love Angel. Spike is my equal. He isn't afraid of my power, and he respects that I can take care of myself, but he's still there to help me whenever I might need it. He loves me uncomditionally, selflessly. He made a terrible mistake, one that can't be ignored, but that can be forgiven."   
  
Buffy sighed, and relaxed her clenching fists for a moment. She had the boy on the couch reeling in terror. When she continued, she was calmer, quieter, even a bit compassionate. But only for a moment.   
  
"I shouldn't have to justify my love for another man to you, Xander Harris, but I'm doing it anyway because I love you and want you to be my brother again. My relationship with Spike got so destructive in part because I was worried what you'd think of me. Well, sod that. You don't have to agree with my decisions, you just have to finally recognize that you don't get a say."   
  
Xander had built up enough courage to speak, and was opening his mouth to offer what little recompense he had by way of apology, when Buffy dismissed his efforts with a slight wave of her hand and a quavering voice.   
  
"I don't know what I'm going to do when Spike comes back. Hell, I don't know if he's gonna come back." At that thought, she visibly broke. She trugded on through the small sobs. "I may well have driven him away too. Xander, you are the only man in my life who's never left me, but you've hurt me just as much as the others. I hate this. I hate putting up with your bullshit. I love you too much to want you to stop being my brother, so I'm asking you to stop being an ass."   
  
Too spent to hold herself together any longer, Buffy crumpled onto the other end of the couch and let the tears flow freely. After a moment she looked up and saw the same tears in the eyes of her brother. 


End file.
